It’s a good thing that Alisher Usmanov is not, so far as we can tell, Sacha Baron Cohen in disguise. Otherwise there would be no telling what kind of abominations the ostensible Russian billionaire could get needy football fans to commit in return for a hint of investment in their club.
Since the announcement last week that Usmanov is selling his stake in Arsenal to Stan Kroenke – and thus will soon have another £550m testing the strength of his finely tailored pockets – individual supporters of various clubs have been appealing publicly for salvation from the Russian moneygod, boasting of their clubs’ proud histories and limitless potentials while trying not to appear offputtingly desperate, although hooked is exactly how a lot of clubs’ owners like their customers – oops! – supporters to be.
Some Newcastle fans have recommended that Usmanov make Mike Ashley an offer he cannot refuse for their club – Cohen would probably be able to induce at least one into punching off a horse’s head to help the process along – while some Everton fans hope Usmanov is headed their way because of his existing links to the club, with the Russian owning the company that sponsors their training ground and being a longstanding business associate of Everton’s majority stakeholder, Farhad Moshiri. Usmanov seemed open to that scenario when talking to Bloomberg this week, declaring: “Should there be a proposal or a possibility to invest in [Everton] with good potential returns, I would consider the deal.”
But, the way Bloomberg tell it, the Almighty Tease added that he is also a fan of Bayern Munich, Roma and Milan. We may need to get Susie Dent in to discuss definitions of “fan”. Usmanov, let’s deduce, is one of those prospective owners who is a fan of any club from which he could make money.
Invoking “good potential returns” does not appear to have turned anyone off as there is a belief that the Premier League is such a financial wonderland that astute investors can splurge fortunes on players and still reap profits by conjuring success and satisfying their custofans. Usmanov portrayed himself as a champion of that model during his 11 years as a big but frustrated investor in Arsenal – he was never allowed on to the board and complained in 2017 that he was still “isolated from decision-making” five years after publicly castigating the club’s rulers for selling Robin van Persie to Manchester United and pursuing a strategy that “does not allow our great manager to fully realise his managerial talent and deliver success for the fans”.
Moshiri’s spending at Everton so far suggests he buys into that model. And if Usmanov joined forces with him anew, even neutrals may cheer their attempt to expand the Premier League’s Big Six, especially if it were motivated partly by a lust for vengeance on Arsenal. An entertaining alternative might be to buy Tottenham Hotspur, injecting fresh zeal into the north London derby. Barnet or Boreham Wood would have greater scope for Trading Places-style japes but would be much longer-term projects for the 64-year-old Usmanov.
Timing, then, favours investment in Everton. Or Newcastle. Or Southampton. Or Leeds or Middlesbrough or West Brom. Or anyone who, with a big cash boost, could progress quickly enough to ridicule the future that Arsène Wenger foretold in one of his last press conferences as Arsenal manager, when he warned that a European super league is nigh and will relegate domestic championships to secondary status. “In a few years you will certainly have a European league over the weekends,” he said. “It is inevitable.”
Wenger’s reasoning was that top European clubs are aghast at dwindling interest in the Champions League group stages and attribute the decline to the fact that matches are midweek and still feature too many small and medium-sized clubs. Yes, too many S and M clubs when what the public crave at weekends is more clashes of XL outfits. And “public” means the people watching on Facebook in Santiago or on a phone in Guangzhou. So big European clubs will form their own championship, forcing domestic leagues into midweek slots. “If you have Real v Barça or Real v Arsenal or Manchester v Bayern Munich every week, the audiences will be good,” Wenger explained. Big clubs would still compete nationally but probably view the domestic front as an after-thought or a testing ground, like the Carabao Cup.
Wenger was only saying what he had heard others saying. Perhaps Kroenke has heard similar chat. Arsenal are one of three members of the Premier League’s Big Six to be owned by Americans well versed in the NFL and the policy of chasing audiences and minimising the sort of risk that exists when six clubs compete for four Champions League spots. He could probably see the sense in a cosy league for Europe’s aristocrats. Would localised gripes and decades of heritage stand in his way?
No doubt the owners of Wolves, Fulham, West Ham, Leicester and others have heard the talk, too. Has their recent spending been about earning an invitation when the European super league arrives? If they carry on, it could make it hard to distinguish the Premier League’s Big Six when that time comes. So let’s enjoy this lavish scrambling while it lasts. And then let’s see how long a breakaway league lasts with neglected roots.
As for Usmanov or any forward-thinking billionaire at a loose end, maybe get ahead by buying both Sheffield clubs and forming one Super Sheffield club, ready for the continent’s call. Or procure both Ipswich Town and Norwich City to form a single Folk Club. Or look to Scotland and snap up both Old Firm sides to enter them in a European league as Glasgow United, creating a fearsome sporting ogre while eradicating years of sectarian animosity at a stroke. That’s definitely what would happen.
Or maybe Usmanov should pre-empt matters by first investing in a stadium – a mobile one that could be towed from city to city and country to country, the amphibious home of a team of headhunted all-stars who would take on the cream of Europe wherever the market demanded, or wherever the wind blew them.